Memories

The flicker of images in my mind's eye
Times and lives now past
People with whom I once spent my days
Friends with whom I shared laughs and tears
Loves I laid with, held close, cherished
Gone
Childhood exists as only momentous flashes
Photographs exhibit scenes which are lost to my mind
What remains is only
A shoelace tangled in a bike chain
Burned fingers on an extinguished sparkler
An unexpected burial in the garden for the tripod cat
Why is it the unhappy memories linger longest?
Why can I not envision the full bellies
The ample dinners, the safety of my mother's arms,
As well as I can summon the memory of how
I hid my face behind my Gameboy as my grandmother lay
Dying
Unable to comfort her and bring her the joy of my company
That she always cherished when she was healthy and smiling

And yet the unhappy memories encapsulate a time that I wish for
Now in the dawning of my adulthood
Such things seem surmountable when compared to
Underemployment, which lacks the freedom of either extreme
Too busy to find a job that pays to live and play and feel secure
Too poor to enjoy all the time I have or supply the energy to fill it
Romance, now that innocence is gone and I hold the hearts of others
In my hands, unable to take pleasure in passing flirtations of the flesh
When I have tasted the ecstasy of love and pure unbridled connection
Civics, being beholden to the needs of the nation, of the people
Getting only what is given in return, the cost frequently too dear
Be it in time, or passion, or wealth, when the rich hold all the cards
Purpose, not knowing what I should do, or could do, or would do
Given enough resources, enough support, enough freedom, and yet feeling
I've had all those, and too much, letting them be squandered in indecision

Perhaps those memories I think of the most of those of the future
Or rather the times in the past in which I have likewise been so fixated on it
The uncertainty, the possibilities, the pathways contemplated and discarded
The times I felt as hopeless and lost, and found my way back out from the dark
It seems impossible that I might forever banish the fear of the future
But what keeps it from consuming me whole is the knowledge that
I have been afraid and whimpered in the dark, unwilling to face the day
I have been hopeless and felt close to total surrender
But I have found my way out of the dark and into light
I have overcome those obstacles
Untangled myself from my heavy bike and gone home
Run my fingers in cold water and dried my tears
Dealt with losses small and great to move forward
And while I accept the human condition of uncertainty
And subservience to circumstance and luck
I know that within me lies the ability to persevere
And bring about the shining visions of the future
That serve as a beacon in the night
Breathe deep
Seek peace
Push on


-D.M.D.M. 7-27-2009

Stones

You keep your nose to the grindstone for too long and bits of you get worn away

Little bits at first, the same extremities you lose with frostbite

Only this is not just the cold of an artic freeze

This is the cold of an uncaring world

Where every step is a battle

And every victory is just the delay of defeat

And as you get smaller

And lose pieces of yourself

To the constant pressure against that unstoppable grind

A millstone goes round your neck

And forces you closer to the spinning wheel

And you get smaller

And the weight gets heavier

And the pace gets quicker

And you become tiny

And the weight becomes ponderous

And the pace becomes arduous

And you are microscopic

And the weight is back-breaking

And the pace is punishing

And you are just about to lose yourself to the void

But

Your foot is on the pedal

Your hands put the millstone round your neck

Your own doing that parts of you have been ignored

They looked at me and said “Hey, take it easy

Here, take that silly thing off

Let us carry it for a bit; it’s really not as heavy as you think”

They looked at my wheel and said “That doesn’t need to go so hard”

And showed me how to keep it steady and mild

So I could breathe

They looked down at the pieces and said “You’ve really let yourself go”

And picked me up and helped me to my feet and nose and sanity

And steeled me from further wear and tear

In short, they saved me from myself

-D.M.D.M. 8-5-06