Memories

The flicker of images in my mind's eye
Times and lives now past
People with whom I once spent my days
Friends with whom I shared laughs and tears
Loves I laid with, held close, cherished
Gone
Childhood exists as only momentous flashes
Photographs exhibit scenes which are lost to my mind
What remains is only
A shoelace tangled in a bike chain
Burned fingers on an extinguished sparkler
An unexpected burial in the garden for the tripod cat
Why is it the unhappy memories linger longest?
Why can I not envision the full bellies
The ample dinners, the safety of my mother's arms,
As well as I can summon the memory of how
I hid my face behind my Gameboy as my grandmother lay
Dying
Unable to comfort her and bring her the joy of my company
That she always cherished when she was healthy and smiling

And yet the unhappy memories encapsulate a time that I wish for
Now in the dawning of my adulthood
Such things seem surmountable when compared to
Underemployment, which lacks the freedom of either extreme
Too busy to find a job that pays to live and play and feel secure
Too poor to enjoy all the time I have or supply the energy to fill it
Romance, now that innocence is gone and I hold the hearts of others
In my hands, unable to take pleasure in passing flirtations of the flesh
When I have tasted the ecstasy of love and pure unbridled connection
Civics, being beholden to the needs of the nation, of the people
Getting only what is given in return, the cost frequently too dear
Be it in time, or passion, or wealth, when the rich hold all the cards
Purpose, not knowing what I should do, or could do, or would do
Given enough resources, enough support, enough freedom, and yet feeling
I've had all those, and too much, letting them be squandered in indecision

Perhaps those memories I think of the most of those of the future
Or rather the times in the past in which I have likewise been so fixated on it
The uncertainty, the possibilities, the pathways contemplated and discarded
The times I felt as hopeless and lost, and found my way back out from the dark
It seems impossible that I might forever banish the fear of the future
But what keeps it from consuming me whole is the knowledge that
I have been afraid and whimpered in the dark, unwilling to face the day
I have been hopeless and felt close to total surrender
But I have found my way out of the dark and into light
I have overcome those obstacles
Untangled myself from my heavy bike and gone home
Run my fingers in cold water and dried my tears
Dealt with losses small and great to move forward
And while I accept the human condition of uncertainty
And subservience to circumstance and luck
I know that within me lies the ability to persevere
And bring about the shining visions of the future
That serve as a beacon in the night
Breathe deep
Seek peace
Push on


-D.M.D.M. 7-27-2009

Ministry

This post was written for Evolver.net, and posted just now. I post it here always because I feel the message is important enough to spread on as many wavelengths as I can. -D.M.D.M.

I see a lot of wonderful things being said on evolver.net and Reality Sandwich, things which make me feel a lot less depressed and isolated, and a little more hopefully about the future. There are a lot of strong arguments being made, and beautiful art being showcased. But, brothers and sisters, I ask this of you: Are we the ones that need to see this the most? I think this network is a wonderful way to share ideas and knowledge, but the one thing that worries me is that it is a closed system that speaks to those who share a similar outlook. Granted, there is some disagreement amongst us, but that is to be expected from any group of passionate people. What we all can agree on, though, is that the current capitalist, individualist, Man-centered world view is no longer a viable means of sustaining life on this Earth. We need to form a community that is focused on the community. Are we spreading the word to those who want to fix the economy? Are we challenging the world-view of those who say “Well, the economy is going to get better because… well, it has to!”? Are we encouraging people to stop chasing after a job that pays better but makes them unhappy? Or are we waiting for a miracle to change the world around us?

Now I know that we, as a group, are uncomfortable with the idea of evangelism. We have fought against those who would tell us we are thinking or acting incorrectly. It has driven us to avoid those who think differently than we do, and form communities like this one. We find one another and say “Man, those other guys really don’t see things the way we do,” and take solace in the fact that if there are others who share our point of view. In order to shield ourselves from their possible criticism, we don’t speak about the topics we feel most strongly about in public. This is true whether you’re Awakened or not. It’s considered impolite to talk about religion, politics, race, sexuality, or anything else that someone else might have a strong opinion about. This is a tool of the system, whether it is a consciously enforced mandate from those in power, or a spontaneously developed homeostatic control inherent in society. Even if you vehemently disagree with someone, we can pretend we all get along and continue to work away at our jobs, or live out the life of the Cleavers, or perpetuate any of the other millions of illusions we entertain ourselves with. Because the Dreamtime, our subconscious, was not big enough to hold all the discontent we pretend we don’t have, we created new Dreams, like CNN, or faceless forums, or violent videogames, which allow us to vent our spleen at the world, and go back to pretending we’re happy like this, working side by side with those damn Reds that piss off us Blues, or vice versa.

It is this homeostatic control that we must break. The illusion that things are separate is something that we, as Evolvers, as Awakened souls, have begun to see through. We recognize it in the jarring synchronicities we are experiencing more and more, as common themes are repeated in “unconnected” circumstances. Hinduism calls this illusion “maya, the force that leads the Inner Self to mistakenly feel that it exists in itself, apart from God’s all-pervading divine consciousness” (pg. 309, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Hinduism). There are five facets to this, one of which is kala, which “limits omnipotence, creating the illusion that you can’t effortlessly will things into existence.” It’s this particular illusion that I find I come up against most often when speaking to other Awakened about spreading the word and opening the eyes of other people. They will be ready when they’re ready, they say. We can’t force anyone else to think something they’re not ready to think. To best counter that argument let me tell you a story from my own personal experience: how I began to clear away kala, and empower myself.

About a year and a half ago, during that darkened, powerful time that starts around Samhain with the shadows of what is hidden lurking at the edge of your vision and culminates with the year coming due at Yule, I was a confused and frustrated young man who sensed something massive on the horizon, but didn’t know what to make of it. This was pretty par for the course; I always had difficulty dismissing my dreams as mere nighttime hallucinations, and been amazed that people could so tacitly ignore the pain, malice, adoration, or determination that, for me, was writ large on the faces and in the bodies of everyone I met. I had just begun dabbling with the Tarot and discussing ghosts and magick in earnest with friends when I met a beautiful soul with whom I resonated with immediately, and whom the cards, in one of those rare, flat-out statements they don’t usually give, indicated I would be/should be/was romantically linked with. This woman actively encouraged my exploration of all things spiritual and metaphysical, and constantly pushed me to explore the avenues my intuition and instincts pointed towards. She was the one who linked me to Reality Sandwich, which opened my eyes to how widespread this Awakening is. “Finally,” I said, “A community of spiritually aware, socially conscious people! Shamans and psychics, gurus and hippies… my PEOPLE!” I dove in headfirst, and reveled in my newfound sense of belonging, as I am sure many of you, my Awakened brothers and sisters, enjoyed as well. By seeing my thoughts and feelings mirrored in the articles and comments, I felt empowered to strengthen my talents and inclinations, and embraced my heritage as a shaman.

Now, that all seems as if it happened in a past life. Currently, my spiritual development is stalled due to a need to eat and survive. The job I held at the beginning of the year required me to work for some of the most selfish, greedy, uncompromising people I had ever met. I left them and now search for new employment while my savings quickly dwindle. Yet I feel completely unmotivated to actually apply for anything. All around me I see signs of the decay in the economy: retail space standing vacant all over, including in midtown Manhattan; shop owners standing out in front of their empty stores, looking around for customers; shipping containers piled high outside the ports; crazy sales being offered. Capitalism is stalling and (hopefully) dying off. I have absolutely no desire to put myself back in the job market… other than the fact that I need to get money in order to survive. The only thing that keeps me from complete and total despair and the ultimate surrender is the recognition that there are others out there who wish to make the world a better place, and believe that it can be done. I am not alone. I am not separate. All is one. And I would not have that resource of emotional strength I so desperately need if some wonderful person had not gone out of her way to put that connection in front of me, to clear away my maya.

When I speak of ministry and evangelism and spreading the word, I’m not talking about aggressively attacking other people and telling them how wrong they are. I think there are very few people who are contributing to the current destructive paradigm that are not victims themselves. Perhaps people like Dick Cheney or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad deserve that kind of aggression. My old college roommate, who told me that I hated our troops for going to an anti-war protest, deserves no aggression or anger. My friend who dislikes Barack Obama because, for example, he is trying to make it harder for bullets to be sold and making America look bad (I’m still not quite sure how she thinks he’s doing that, but whatever), deserves no aggression or hatred. They are products of their environment, inheritors of drama and misconceptions that have been around since the dawn of civilization. Even though it could be said that I have always had less maya than the average American, like the rest of you current Evolvers who have come early to the party, I still had maya. It is the maya that deserves the aggression. Attack their logic that tells them the world is comprised of a multitude of separate factors. Point out that climate change is not a problem we can delay anymore, because crops are already being affected and the weather is already changing. Show them how capitalism has conspired to take abundance from those who have little and given it to those who have already got plenty.

I go into New York City a lot for rehearsals and the like, and the emotional atmosphere around there is absolutely toxic. If I don’t properly shield myself, I end up walking out of there incredibly depressed. There is so much hopelessness and fear in the hearts and minds of everyone on Earth right now. The end times are now, folks. If 2012 will usher in a new society, then these are the times in which the old one dies, and it’s going to take down a lot of people with it. You don’t think people are ready to be turned on, to have their eyes opened? I have $6 in my checking account, a fact I found out as I tried to buy myself $20 sunglasses to make myself feel better. Most people I know, those of us who just graduated college or are making our way into the world and haven’t had careers for years, are unemployed, or underemployed, or employed but not working because their employers won’t put them on the schedule. There was a shoot-out 5 blocks from where I live this morning, right by my friend’s house, where I walked her home the night before despite her protests that she’d be safe. Open your arms to those who would do you the most harm, speak to them of love and community, and turn your cheek should they call you a hippie or a bum, or vent their frustration with the world on you. We cannot stop this crash that’s coming, but we can lessen the blow if more of us are side by side instead of fighting each other. This is your call to ministry. Be brave, be loud, be strong, be heard.

Breathe deep, seek peace. Love to all.

Dave M. D. Milo, Lobogriff

Morningstar

I grow weary from awaiting the dawn

That will bring the one who steps up slowly,

Smiling slyly, and disarms me with one

Glance. My weapons gone, she strips me bit by

Bit, of shield and plate and chain, to let them

Fall away, so I may take her hand and

Gambol unencumbered. She would laugh as,

With adroit finesse, she flicks away my

Veils and costumes, smoothes the furrows from my

Brow, and presses t’wards tranquil repose.

I, bereft of that which has defined me,

Reach for this bewitching vision as a

Drowning man will blindly grab for fundament

Curling from my grasp, she dares with sparkling

Eyes, enticing my desire with her

Sinuous grace and serpentine curves.

Now I move with firm intent, and still she

Spins away. We flow into the chase, my

Fingers brushing at her trailing hair and

Fluttering scarves, always just behind her.

Bellowing ecstatically, I pounce. She

Glances back, confused, and then surprised with

Just a hint of trepidation. In that

Moment we collide so comfortably,

Kissing, coupling, just as bubbles meet and

Move as one. We resonate in harmony,

Intention, preconception, future

Gone: we live in present, and with presents,

And with presence, ‘til we spark, and she receives

Me as the stretching leaves embrace the sun.

-D.M.D.M. 5-5-2009